emotions take the front seat.

i sprawled disorderly across my bed, float away into my imagination. closed the eyes & braced myself. a tidal waves of everything was welling up inside. couldn't restrain it from expressing it out. tried to, but couldn't stop it. it all came pouring out in an undignified, uncontrollable torrent.

then, fumble out of bed and enter the bathroom, started splashing cold water on the face and instantly feel the chilling, tingling sharp numb across the entire circumference of the face and all the way down to the nape of the neck and down the spine. towel dried and walk into the room again. am in a daze. almost stoned. laid on bed again. it came pouring out like a broke-down water tap.

suddenly, sobbing the heart out. and made understand not to underestimate the ability of understanding to feel truly awful.

this hurt, sadness. pain.
like a vicious cycle, all for the sake of those i love.
those i thought loved me back.
those i thought knew me.
those i thought i understood.

like a knife, had me confused of what to do or say.
just too much going on. too much to handle.

its always the same.
everything just repeats itself.
it's either because of love, or because of friends.

totally forgotten the feelings of being a lil kid, being innocent & carefree. yes, i miss that. its like you're just only a kid, and your life was a bed of roses. life must have been great at that moment, with nothing for us to worry about. no problems with family, friends, love, school, everything etc its like happy go lucky? but when a person grows, everything changes, and i mean everything, including you & me.

changing for the best, or till the worst, everyone have their own personality, nobody's perfect after all. i guess, life wasn't a bed of roses as i grew.

useless and completely forsaken renders me.
think i'm jinxed for life.

i want to be a better person, i want to be strong and i want to bear in mind what kind of life i love to live and work for it. because this world is great, and everything is worth giving your all. good memories meant to be kept, bad memories to be thrown. no matter what i might face in the future, there is always sunshine after the rain. whatever we do with our lives depends on us, i believe that we can control our lives and things are not fated sometimes, it depends on how much effort and how much heart we have in doing something.

lastly, problems are always accumulative and they don't appear out of the blue, if you do think about it, all your problems always start with a tiny little matter we all do tend to ignore and then it grows and accumulates, before you know it, boom it hits you on the backside.

we need to learn how to forget,
accept/overlook the past and move on smiling.

that's all i can think of for tonight at this ungodly hour.